Profile

Last updated: Saturday, 5 March 2011, 05.36

Introduction

My name is Ricky Keith Davis, Jr, and I am a professional asshole. You probably will not like me, and generally speaking, that feeling is mutual. Read on at your own risk.

Part 1

On the ninth day of September in the year of our lord, nineteen-hundred and eighty-four, at approximately four-twenty-one post meridiem eastern standard time, this world recieved the greatest blessing since the ability to orgasm without a partner. That blessing was me.

For the idiots out there, I was born at 4:21pm, 9 September, 1984 in a small town in Georgia to parents Ricky Sr. and Brenda. They sure were lucky.

So, about me. My name is Ricky Davis, Jr. but I like to call myself Sir Ricky F Cactus II, CCE. You may be wondering what the hell kind of name that is, I don't care.

Part 2

I hold myself to a few philosophies that more or less control how I move about through life:

I believe in personal freedom.
The right for people to do, say, or believe anything they wish as long as it doesn't interfere with the personal freedom of others. The moment it does that, or endangers others, I then believe it's wrong. This spans across everything to race, religion, sexism, sexual preference, and any sort of bigotry or segregation for any reason. Do whatever you want if it makes you happy, that's my credo, and you shouldn't give a shit that me or someone else thinks it's really weird.

I believe people should shut the fuck up.
Don't try to convince me of your religion unless I ask. Don't try and get me to do something I don't want to do because you think I should. I will dress and do as I please, and I expect you to do the same without us throwing opinions at each other. If you ask, I will tell, otherwise I, too, will shut the fuck up. I suppose this sort of falls in the general idea that people shouldn't judge one another. That's impossible--everyone judges everyone constantly. But keep it to yourself, because I probably don't care, and neither does anyone else. I'll do you the courtesy of trying to convince you to wear pajama pants and dress shirts like I am at this very moment since it's pretty damned comfortable.

I believe in the truth.
I never lie, and I have the impossible expectation of everyone else not to either. I don't understand lying, and I don't do it under any circumstances. "Does this make me look fat?" "No, but it is hideous. Burn it." That's me. Deal with it. I don't make a point of throwing my opinions around, but if asked, you will receive the truth, or silence. Many people try to point out that I lie when I spout sarcasm or make a joke. No I don't, dipshit. Seeing as how this is person to me, I've developed my own definition: a lie is purposely saying something you know to be untrue for deceptive purposes. Meaning, if I say something that turns out to be wrong, I'm not lying. If I'm using sarcasm or making a joke, I'm not trying to deceive you, and thus I am not lying. If I tell you that dress looks great on you but I know goddamn well it makes me throw up in my mouth, I am lying.

Part 3

I have a deep love for the (American) English language, though I'm attempting to learn British English as well. It sounds stupid, but it's true all the same. I love to both read and write. I wish I had a complete list of all of the hundreds of books I've read throughout my lifetime, not that you'd read it. I've been meaning to spend a single year cateloging every book I read, just to get an idea. Ironcally, given how much I read and write, I can't spell for shit. It's amazing how bad it is, sometimes. I don't even see how it's possible. Thank gods that I use Safari so on message boards it tells me when I fuck up.

Likewise, I love to write. If I'm not working on one of my online comics, adding to my novel, or writing a comedic short story about homocidal toddlers, then I'm at least writing in my web journal. Writing is very important to me. My only downfall is that I've become far too lazy and haven't really pushed myself like I should.
Edit: The above paragraph isn't entirely true. Of late I've been far too lazy to work on my comic, add to my novel, or write anything else worth while. Now that I think about it, that last line (in the preceding paragraph) is actually pretty accurate. Sorry.

I've been playing drums since around 2004 when my brother got frustrated with constantly replacing band members. He finally just up and told me to learn the fucking drums. Like the idiot I am I went out and spent over $300 on complicated musical instrument I've never had any interest in. Luckily for me I took to it like Paris Hilton's lips to a hard-on. In less than a year, and with zero formal lessons, I was a fairly decent drummer. Although not great, I think today, five years later, I'm a pretty damn good drummer. Additionally, the band my brother and I formed, Optical Delusion, has recorded and released our first album, Self-Titled. Check out our myspace for more information.

Shet (aka, completely random shit)

I'm afraid of driving so I've never had a license and haven't had a learner's since around 2001 or 2002.
I love cheese more than I should. Non-sexually, just to clarify.
I can pick and choose my handwriting; I'm not even sure what my "actual" handwriting looks like since it often changes sentence to sentence. You should see the rough drafts of the stories I write.
Sprite is my favorite drink. I'm also picky. For me canned sprite, glass bottles, plastic bottles, soda fountains, etc--they're all totally different. I like soda fountains, glass bottles, cans, small bottles, large bottles. In that order. I drink canned sprite on a daily basis.
I only drink two things, ever: Sprite (obviously) and Powerade (several flavours). That's it. I drink powerade at work and Sprite at home.
Edit: This isn't entirely true anymore either. I can't afford drinking Powerade and Sprite that often so I mostly drink powdered Gatoraid. It's not too bad.
I'm really good at swearing. It's some bizarre natural gift. I've also taken to creative swearing recently, where I try to come up with new insults. One new one I've been knocking around is "shit-dick cock-holster." Has a nice ring to it, I think.
I'm afraid of spiders. Not "oh crap, a spider" scared, but "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!OH DEAR GODS IN SUMMERLAND PROTECT US!! HEY, YOU! LITTLE GIRL!! COME HERE AND KILL THIS THING!! PLEASE? PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH GODS.. OHGODSOHGODSOHGODSOHGODSOHGODSOHGODS..." scared.
At the time of this writing I am 26 years, 5 months, 23 days, 13 hours, and 21 minutes old.
I love long walks, but I despise the beach.
I'm afraid, and rightfully so, of the sun. It hurts me a great deal.
I am missing no toes, fingers, hands, feet, arms or legs.
I used to have extremely long hair and a homeless man's beard because I'm too lazy to cut them. Plus I look compltely stupid without. These days my hair is about shoulder length, though I'm letting it grow out, and my beard is (usually) halfway trimmed up.
I'm far too skilled at whistling. It's one of many useless talents I possess. Others in that category include speaking French, performing complex mathematical functions in my head, and line dancing. However, I can't spell particularly well. I've used spell check on this post about six times up until this sentence. Twice in this paragraph.
My vision is twice as good as what is traditionally considered "perfect" as I can see at approximately 20/10. This allows me to see in the dark where others cannot. On the other hand it nearly cripples me in the sun because the light hurts me even through dark sunglasses.
In 2004 I was struck by a car. I was on a bicycle and it was going about 60 mph.
I often dream of flying and blood, though rarely together.
I have narcolepsy, therefore I am prone to sporadically falling asleep at any moment.
I tend to flaunt my intelligence. I probably shouldn't since it paints me as an arogant bastard. Oh well.
I write fairly well I think. I'm lazy so I never do. I've been working on a novel about vampires, werewolves and such since I was about 15. I'm now almost 26 and I have less than 70 pages. This is mostly because about once a year I get frustrated and start completely over. I most recently did this in 2007.
I have one cat named Same and one dog named River. River is a black labrogator and Sam considers herself some sort of small dog.
I collect teddy bears, coins, and glasses (mugs, wine glasses, etc).
Tim Burton and James Cameron are my favorite directors. I love nearly everything either of them have done. Before you ask, Titanic is the exception. Likewise, Danny Elfman and John Williams are my favorite composers. Rush and CKY is my favorite band.
When I was a very young child I awoke to find an angel sitting in bed with me, watching me. I mean that absolutely literally, with no hint of joking or sarcasm. I do not care if you don't believe me. Ironically enough, I'm pagan.
I have a temper. It scares me at times.
There is only one pen that I will use: Precise V5 by Pilot. Blue only. I carry two in my pockets at all times. I'm famous for it.
I am incredibly sensitive to heat of any kind and I often use an air conditioner during the winter. Throughout school I was labeled a freak (in a good-natured sort of way) because I wore shorts and t-shirts year-round.
There is a clock on my wall above my computer. It has never had batteries and the hands still read 10:12.

Epilogue:

I'm sure your initial impression of me is that I'm a stuck up, arogant, asshole who doesn't care about anything or anyone aside from himself; yeah well, that's Professional Asshole to you. However, just to give you a more well-rounded idea of who I really am, let's see what others have said about me. The following quotes are VERBATIM what people have written about me. Sources include my high school yearbook from my final year, MySpace comments, and this one time I passed around a piece of paper and made people write shit about me with a disclaimer saying I now own their words (it was for use for my novel, which I'll never finish). Suprisingly, people actually wrote stuff. Anyway, here's a plethora of assorted quotes about yours truly, The Cactus King.

I like Ricky as a person. He'd make a terrible horse.
- Dani
MySpace comment

Ricky is the best that has ever been made. Ever. Trust me; I would know!
- Jesus H. Christ
Okay, that didn't actually happen

Ricky rocks!!! man![sic]
- Eric
Eric wrote this on the aforementioned piece of paper. He can't spell for shit.

If I was a dog and you were a flower
I'd raise my leg and give you a shower.
- Joe Buck
High school yearbook

..its been great knowing Ricky. Some days I don't know what I would do without his funny statements. He's been a great friend
- Chris Anderson
High school yearbook

He is a genius! What can I say?
- Mrs. Lynda Webb
High school yearbook. Mrs. Webb was my psychology teacher. That is, I kid you not, what she wrote.

OH GOD!! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!
- Carmen
MySpace comment. I really have no idea what it's supposed to mean. I'm ugly?

Always love black people.
- Fred Rucker
High school yearbook. Haha.. he really wrote that. There's a whole story behind that comment.

He has lightened up my life.
- Mrs. Veronica Christian
High school yearbook. Another teacher. I wasn't even a suck up. This teacher also once called me a flirt, and then later on said "Where were you when I was your age?" I kid you not.

He's been a great 'son' even though I still think he needs an earlier bedtime.
- K.J. Barrick
High school yearbook. She worked in the lunchroom at school. She sort of "adopted" me because my Dad is kind of lame.

Anything Ricky writes is bound to be interesting. He loves to joke but ends expressing the profound.
- Will
That piece of paper. I was actually surprised with what he wrote. Nice, huh?

I just couldnt help myself!!!
- Bobbie Jo
MySpace comment. I don't know what she was talking about, but it sounded interesting, so I put it.